The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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