I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Text me some of your sweat
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