WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
