its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
