It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
