Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Still dying that you shit outside
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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