I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
