She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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