how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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