I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
