I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
