How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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