So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
