Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize