taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
