I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
