margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
