True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize