we're chasing vodka with high fives
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
