Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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