I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
cat food counts as protein by the way
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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