i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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