i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
