she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
