You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize