It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
