I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
They took my balls.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
