Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
