Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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