he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
