awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I could fuck to npr.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
