Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
