my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize