we have pet lesbian snakes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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