Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
