I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
