boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You pole danced in your parka.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
