Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
