at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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