Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
