My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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