Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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