Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
