God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Barsexuality is the new black.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
