What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
