I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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