I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
