I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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