Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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