I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
