sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
