I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
