He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize