i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
