Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
