remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
